Living with Depersonalization DP/DR

WOW

2010-09-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

Holy god. This is still here?

Uhhh yeah. Last Septemeber I moved to Phoenix, AZ, attended technical school and just moved back home with an Associates Degree in Diesel Technology (to work on Semi's).

I still have my issues with DP/DR but overall I just try to ignore it.

Glad to see this thing is still being read :)

2009-05-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

Got my GED.

Got my license.

Got accepted to a good college.

My DP/DR is almost completely gone.

Looking for a job.

I'm doing good :D

Update

2009-04-16T00:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not updating.

My DP/DR has been on and off these past few days, but whatever. I'm not letting it bother me.

My GED got pushed back to April 27th and May 4th, instead of the 20th and the 27th as I had planned.

I got accepted to a community college on the other side of the state which I'm totally stoked about. Hopefully majoring in Astronomy. Im thinking that getting away from my daily life, family, this city, etc, will help me ease out of DP with everything new in my life. I'm also about to get my drivers permit (theres a long story as to why i'm 18 and don't have one yet. Long story short: stupid friends, stupid ideas, Grand Theft Auto, and the Mesa County Sheriffs Department). And last but not least, i'm looking for a job. So by the end of next month my life won't even come close to how it is now. Thankfully.

Road of recovery

2009-04-08T01:31:00.001-07:00

My DP is getting so much better. I havent had one single episode of it today, and that hasn't happened in about a year. Im tired of not getting anywhere with it, so im focusing on getting rid of it, not how much it's been holding me back. If you don't change anything, nothing will ever change. For sure.

Taking my GED test on April 20th. Exactly 10 years after Columbine... weird. Anywho, wish me luck.

2009-04-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

For anyone dealing with Depersonalization, or curious of how it affects others than just myself, I highly suggest you click HERE

There you can find ideas of overcoming DP/DR, figure out ways of coping with it, or even just doing more research as to what it is and it's effects on everyone that has it.

-Ryan

Getting Better

2009-04-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

I am in no way cured of this disorder, however, I can tell that I have definitely taken the turn in the right direction. I've had some slip ups, am having some slip-ups, and will have some slip-ups. But it's sink or swim, and im a damn good swimmer. Reading, writing, going out more, being more social, imagining less and focusing more. These are what is helping me. As opposed to what I used to do: sit in my room and HOPE it went away. Hope and see, or act and result. Take your pick. I took mine.

"He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat."
-Napoleon Bonaparte

Blah

2009-03-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not updating. My internet decided to take a crap and die. Lovely.

Nothings really changed. But im fine with that. Im working on everything.

Ill make a REAL update once my internet comes back on my computer.

Counselor

2009-03-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

So i've decided two things, im dumping the doctor that doesn't understand DP, and as of now, I don't think im gonna be able to make the April 13th GED test for my own reasons.

I want to get through this, and I need someone that understands, instead of just some doctor that THINKS they understand. So im gonna go through the phone book, research counselors online, and see if any of them have a background in Depersonalization. If they do, then they have a new client.

And before I forget, thank you to all that actually take time to comment. It means alot.

Later.

!

2009-03-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

Im not doing any better. My ADD is acting up bad. Im nervous about the GED test on April 13th. I keep coming up with excuses to back out, but if I do, then im never gonna get it done. My dad is too busy with his own problems, and my mom acts like im disrupting her TV shows. As usual, my only comfort is cigarettes, which im also trying to quit. I've got too much goddamn stuff on my plate at once, and everyone keeps saying 'Oh, just do it step by step' and even i've said that. The problem is, I don't know how to do it like that. Im used to having a heavy load of bullshit around me. And now when I need to be able to handle it the most, I can't. GED, smoking, DP, money problems, work, etc.

Blah.
I can't even focus long enough to type this.

Whatever.

Sorry

2009-03-22T23:46:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't been updating, sorry.

My DP is definitely acting up, but im not letting it get me down. Just keeping my mind focused on as much as possible.

Vyvanse is not working in the least. I still stand by my idea that I should go a natural route and throw out any meds all together, and just use vitamins and my own will. Im just afraid of what might happen if I go off them.

-Ryan

.......

2009-03-19T01:43:00.001-07:00

Well my DP has been acting up lately and im not sure why. I know the vitamins and what not are gonna take a while but damn already. wtf?

Whatever. It'll get better.

I gotta kick this thing right in the nuts.

I've been working out alot though. And i've been eating ALOT better. Haven't had a soda, even diet in over a week. Which is like a month in Diet Coke addict time.

:)

Schedule

2009-03-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

April 13th: This is when i'll take the test to get my GED. Assuming that I can keep my DP/DR under control for long enough to take the test. After the test, I need to focus on the SAT's. I can't get into Mesa State College without SAT 1, or ACT. And I feel that i'd be wasting my time at a tech school, even though there is 2-3 around here (I live in a small city.) What will I study there? Who the hell knows. I hope something along the lines of History, or Psychology, but like my mom said, I need to do everything one step at a time. It's the old saying of, 'If you take too many steps at once, you'll fall down the damn stairs and crack your head open.'

Having DP/DR, I got very bad ADD from it, and even though im 18, I still don't have a drivers license, because for the life of me I couldn't study the damn drivers manual to even get the permit. I kept getting distracted. However, the medicine i'm on, is kinda helping with that. But I stopped taking it because im too afraid of becoming addicted. I've heard that Vyvanse (the medicine) can become very easy to get addicted to. But I just decided after Googling alot of things, that i need to start taking it again so my body will be used to it when GED time rolls around. Plus it will help me study for my permit, and thus my license.

Anyway: April 13th- GED
April 20th- At least have the drivers permit
After that, focus on SAT's
And by September: COLLEGE! Yay! Wasting money on something that probably won't take me anywhere, AWESOME! :)

Oh, and I started another blog on my getting healthier besides just in my head: YAY! (click here)

5-HTP

2009-03-14T20:34:00.001-07:00

Today was good, no major problems with DP that seemed to affect my day. I went to the vitamin store, and bought some 5-HTP which is the immediate metabolite between the L-tryptophan and serotonin, and i'll start taking that tonight and we'll see down the road if it works.

Just for shits and giggles, here is all what i'm taking:

Depakote (spelling?) 1000mg every night
Omega-3 Fish Oil 3000mg per day
Omega-3-6-9 Fish, Flax, and Borage Oils 1200mg per day
And then this stuff, 5HTP which it says to take 100mg at bedtime.

Now, according to some research I did on the drug.... OK, according to some info I got from Google, it also helps with all these:

Depression
Obesity
Carbohydrate craving
Bulimia
Insomnia
Narcolepsy
Sleep apnea
Migraine headaches
Tension headaches
Chronic daily headaches
Premenstrual syndrome
Fibromyalgia

It should be taken 1 hour before bedtime, starting on a dose of about 50mg. But because im such a rebel, im going to start at 100mg.

Keep in mind, if you die from taking this from some unknown allergy, you better not hold this blog responsible for it. Oh wait.... you'll be dead, nevermind. :)

Oh yeah, CHECK OUT THE NEW SHOUTBOX! (Down a little bit, to the right)

Failure Is Not A Path....

2009-03-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

The actor Robert Logan once said, "Failure is a path, NOT a destination"

Which is exactly why I can't give up on this stupid disorder.

I went to my 'doctor' today, and she gave me some hope in Omega-3, and said it was working wonders for another patient of hers.

I had countless problems with DP/DR today, especially while at Wal-Mart. My mom kept staring at me like it was insanely obvious that I wasn't OK.

All day i've had the Matchbox 20 song, 'Unwell' stuck in my head and it's been on repeat in Windows Media Player for a while now.

"I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be"

Update on the Omega 3

2009-03-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

So far, nothing has happened. Im taking 3000 mg of a combination of Flax, Fish, and Borage Oils. I need to go to the store and buy some straight up Fish Oil Omega 3. I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor who seems to think this is nothing but a gigantic case of ADD. I'm gonna tell her first, that im not a huge fan of the idea when it comes to doping me up on crap. Anything natural will work better. I'd rather be addicted to Omega-3 (can you even get addicted to vitamins?) than have withdrawls from some medication when I stop taking it.

Staying positive though. Found a new book to indulge my imagination, The Servants of Twilight by Dean Koontz. Some people hate him. I think he's a freakin' genius. Anyway, the book should help until my library card gets here.

Haven't had any soda, sugar, or sweets so far today. Let's keep it that way.

-Ryan

Here's the Plan

2009-03-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's the plan. To put my DP/DR to rest, here is what im gonna start doing. This is kinda just a list to remind me.

-Read more... like, alot more. BUY MORE BOOKS! Car and Driver magazine doesn't count!
-Eat better. No sweets, no artificial sweeteners, no soda. Im addicted to Diet Coke, so this should be fun.
-Drink more water. Water does the body good.
-Work out more. It's not like I am in need of it, but apparently exercise helps activate certain chemicals in the brain
-Vitamins before Medications. Meds= last resort. Natural before artificial.
-Think more positive. Quit listening to Heavy Metal all the time, and ignore any negativity to combat anxiety
-Quit worrying about everything. Smile more. But don't smile so much that you look like you just smoked a bowl of crack.
-SMOKE LESS! Or you know, don't smoke at all. That sounds even better. One step at a time, though. It's nasty, bad chemicals, smells bad, and it's a waste of money. QUIT!
-Talk more openly about it. If people understand it, they'll be more accepting when you have problems on your bad days.

It's not perfect. But it's a hell of a start.

Still Happening

2009-03-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

Last night, I thought my meds had really helped me. But then today, I went with my dad to Barnes and Noble, and the whole trip, even in Barnes, my mind was in a place where I was driving around the mall in a golf cart. And my dad kept looking at me funny because I was smiling because the golf cart part amused me.

However, I did find out that Fish Oil/ Omega 3 is a very common and natural remedy to calm many of the effects of this stupid thing. I just started taking it today and im hoping for the best. It might take a while, but all i've got is time.

Website

2009-03-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone going through this, should click HERE

Who I Am

2009-03-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Who the hell knows. I feel like im always in a different place. A different time. With different people. As I type this, I feel like someone is next to me reading this, judging me. My life... is like a movie. Nothing is real. Nothing exists. I am nothing but the figment of some higher powers imagination. I can type on this keyboard.... but do I know it's real? Or am in another place in real life and me typing this in my bedroom is just my body fucking with me. This is not depression. But im depressed about things. This is not anxiety, yet I constantly have it. This does not stem from abuse or neglect, but im afraid everyone thinks it is. Not that anyone understands. I must find who I am. I need to figure out the devil in me, and get myself back to the way I was.

Where Am I

2009-03-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

Am I in bed? Am I in traffic? Am I on the moon? Am I in the universe? Am I even in the existence of life as I understand it? As I sit listening to Miles Davis, I question who exists and who doesn't. And who the hell decides whether one does, or does not exist.

What is existence? Is it looking in the mirror and seeing something looking back?

What happened if you looked in the mirror, and nothing was there? All you saw was the wall behind you?

I don't know where I am, or where im going, but I know where i've been.

I think. And as long as I can do that, I should be juuuuust fine. :)

What is Depersonalization

2009-03-05T13:59:00.000-08:00

What is Depersonalization? Depends on who you ask. Some say it doesn't exist, some say it's just another form of depression or psychosis. But what's funny about that, is everyone that says that... doesn't have it. They know who they are. And most importantly, they know WHERE they are.

Here's some explanations of my little mind game:

From the great Wikipedia: 'Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the self so that one feels detached from, and as if one is an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body. It is a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. It can be considered desirable, such as in the use of recreational drugs, but it usually refers to the severe form found in anxiety and, in the most intense cases, panic attacks. A sufferer feels that he or she has changed and the world has become less real, vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. It can sometimes be a rather disturbing experience, since many feel that, indeed, they are living in a "dream".

Chronic depersonalization refers to depersonalization disorder, which is classified by the DSM-IV as a dissociative disorder. Derealization is a similar term to depersonalization, and the two are often used interchangeably. However, more specifically, derealization is the feeling that "nothing is real", while depersonalization is the feeling that one is "detached" from one's body or world. (Though these feelings can happen to anyone who is under temporary severe anxiety/stress, for chronic depersonalization, which individuals experience after suffering severe trauma or prolonged stress/anxiety, see depersonalization disorder.) Derealization and depersonalization are most prominent in anxiety disorders, clinical depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, migraine, sleep deprivation, and some types of epilepsy.'

While I do not agree with everything in that paragraph, it gives those who do not understand a vague idea of my life. Most idiotic people think it's a phase, or something we can snap out of.

Trust me, if I could. I would.